A Splash Into The Deep

I had a dream that I understood everything, accepted everyone, and was very happy. It's hard to live in the present but it's the only way. Otherwise we are teetered to a dead past or tripping over the future as it rushes past. This requires some kind of clear Buddhist mind. I don't have one of those, I just have the map that I've been using all these years. The one I use to manipulate time and space. It's strange how things can feel unbearable then you remember all that doesn't matter. It's all anti-matter being projected by a hologram. The course of my life relies on what I desire. That's the game, making sure your thoughts are your on and not some pollution put in there by outside forces. What's really important to me besides the love is the seeing it all. I feel like I need to understand things more but I understand things are very basic. It's hard not to see it all as some kind of strange experiment. My desires are so basic to me. Create the universe that lies within my heart through art. My only other desire is to leave this God awful city to see the world. No one should be stuck in the same place for this many years. It's ridiculous. I need to see something that inspires me to the core. That thing is not in this city at this time. The adventure of my life needs to begin soon. So universe, here's to meeting me half way and bringing me to that road. I'm tired of not being able to get lost. How can one get lost in a place that is as familiar as the back of her hand? Los Angeles has become groundhog day to me. If I had any kind of ovaries I would just pack up and go right this minute. Take my meager life savings and say goodbye to these people I've gathered around me. Say goodbye to this city I was born in and have never left. I'll make it happen soon. I need to get lost in a crowd where no one's ever seen me. In L.A. it's like every face is just part of the same old story. Every piece of the land scape is breathing the same desire. The frequencies are starting to no longer match. Some will tell you magic works anywhere and it pretty much does. I need to change the vibrational frequency I am on. Paris, Madrid, Manchester, Dijibouti. Could you be speaking to me? Morocco has those mountains the Jajouka live in. I wonder how the echo really sounds in one of them? So many questions. I'm writting these mad things down so I can do them in the near future. I hate to feel bored. I guess I am not bored, I am just uninspired. Things get created everyday, but really like this city I've seen them all before. I need to be inspired to make new worlds within. I need new concepts in my life. I have a desire to have my mind blown by great amounts of beauty. Just simple ideas I can't even imagine right now. So I need to get going soon. One should never have to stay in a place where it is virtually impossible to get lost. Some humans on this planet today can't even dream of such a concept. On a lighter note my computer crashed yesterday and I lost all of my pictures again. It doesn't bother me because I blogged most of them so no loss really. What is ever really lost? Our hearts to strangers, our loved ones to the heavens? When I lose things I get freaked out but, then I am thankful for the reminder that I have to still learn to let things go. As a human in my mind I hold on to things too often and for too long. One should never make the unimportant that which is crucial. I do it all of the time. But it's a waste. Things, like lives come and go. Sand through our fingers and all that. So here I am on a new computer still rambling about that which wakes me in the earliest part of the day. Wondering how I will get to the other side of the world from here? Wondering how my words and music will touched the souls of the like minds? Wondering if my thoughts are all but lost in time and space. Still feeling quite alien here among the humans. I've never been wild, I've always been part of the unnatural. Part of the unbelievable. This life I desire like the one I lead is impossible to achieve but, it's all happening anyway. Isn't that how it always is? We know these things are impossible but they have to happen anyway. Without the impossible where would we all be? It's strange what people desire or how we choose to live. In lust with stranger after stranger. To me that is like masturbation with a partner. In love with the lies we tell ourselves. That is like a sickness or trying to hide in a mirror. In love with the hate we project. That is like being some sort of emotional criminal. I'm in love with a dying Space Program. That is like watching old Sci-Fi reruns. What I really love is this life as a writer. This strange life in a little room with too may thoughts and not enough space for my paintings. This is what I really love. This life as an artist. Which has been at times overwhelming with both joy and great disappointment. But I still love it. Because my people are all over this planet. Alone like me in little rooms writing down their desires, drawing their worlds that we hope to visit. I can feel them now. The new Kafkas. Only this time we will get it right. We won't have to wait for death to say it. The bizarre corners of our minds are alive with color and dreams that we live everyday. The writers. What a mad breed we all are. Let me also just say something here, something I rarely say. Thank God for my Guru out there showing me the world. Looking at it though eyes much like my own. You make it all seem so close at hand. Without you I would still be afraid to be this person I have become. I would still be holding on to the sand that long ago rushed to the ground. The things I though I could never be, I am now. I am no longer afraid to be what I want to. I will never again rush in with my eyes closed. I will understand that it is all my desire and my desire is all that I see. I will contemplate the life adventure I want to undertake more. But for what? It has been said. Now the hard work of having patience with myself and my dreams begins. What kind of woman am I? Just like all the others I guess. They seem so far away from me. But it's I who have traveled so far now. Mind On Far Out. .................................................................................................. Heart on my sleeve/ mind on my dreams/ eyes on my hands/ can I create a place as real as I imagine/ mortal man says it can never happen/ so I use magic to make things from the ether/ I'm not the desperate other the way too eager/ I live for today yesterday is for the anthropologist old bones for the archaeologist/ tomorrow belongs to the scientist/ the creators...well all we have in this life is a gift and it's all but used up now/ I am a frowning clown the court jester/ dancing fully glowing beautifully beneath a shinning moon/ of the land of animal and man some have been set free/ those I hold in my heart with me/ I am the last of the dying madmen/ I am the last of a dying breed/ Hopefully the human race will be the last to see me/ when I go I will not be turning back to this city of dreams by the sea/ I'm drowning in a rickety kayak made of the finest poetic misery ...................................................................................................................... I am Josalisa and this is my heart in a RiOt