Reaching For The Answers To Oblivion

I woke up contemplating friends who are emotionally lost to me, the fight I had with my Brother all day yesterday in my head only, and the wonderful complexity of the Human Double Helix. So what's that? Closed acquaintances, sibling rivalry, and human DNA. Let's discuss. I feel like I may be the type of person who is emotionally there for those whole care for me. I say I may be, because who really knows what they are in this world? I believe I know what I am, but its still a bit strange floating around in deep space. So I like to base these solid conclusions on not so solid atmospheric temperatures. I have been going through a lot of suffering with my Mom being in the hospital for so long and the weight of me being the only qualified living relative to look after both of my parents. A job that though I should have been, I was not prepared for. It's awkward to say the least feeling when the people that raised you need to be taking care of. I'm not even sure what to do day after day. At times like this you have to reevaluate the folks you have around you. Who was there for you when things were just fun and who is there for you when you have to go through hard stuff? Not the same people. That upset me earlier but I understand it now. Most people are still like children. I understand that in a way I never did until now. When I step back and pardon my ego. I see that most living are in a kind perpetual childhood. Where it's party, play, work, get what I can get from whoever. I'm too intoxicated to even know what happened last week, fuck the world I'm the most important one in it type thing. It blows my mind but it's the way of the masses. This is the source of some of my lack of ability to relate to flat scans. My second thought was of me being angry with my Brother. It's a terrible feeling being upset with someone in your own family. It feels like punching yourself in the face. For now on when I meet those horrible selfish people who hate their family or don't have a family. I will understand their emptiness in a new way. To have anger in you heart towards someone in you family is exactly like self hate. I always say hating anyone is self hate, you know because of the one consciousnesses reflecting itself in the mirror theory. Meaning all hate is self hate. But hating your own family is just really abuse. Anyway being mad at my Bro for 24 hours feels terrible. I have to call to apologize to him today. I'm sure he didn't even notice how pissed I have been. Which is going to make the conversation funny. All these big emotions are just me playing out some game in my head. That is true for everyone. It's always funny when I notice it about myself. I know it's not funny to everyone. But I am the Court Jester and that job is not suitable for everyone. It's just one of the many ways to go through life here on Number 3. So I guess old Crink and Maurice Wilkins come into play about here. The Double Helix was on my mind because this is all DNA. Our family, who we chose as friends, how we react emotionally. It's all in that structure. Carefully written in the bars of the Double Helix. Can we help who we are? Yes. Can we change who we are? Yes. Was it written, like the Arabs say? Yes. That's the beauty of this life. It's complex and very emotional, even heartbreaking. But it can all be understood with just a simple model of our DNA structure. I want to be a better person. A better friend, a better Sister, a better Daughter, a better Wife, a better Herpetologist for my Turtle friends. And I will but for now I am just me. I fuck up, I feel upset, I feel like I don't understand the humans. Though I've read more Biology books than the average amateur. I still feel disconnected and really connected at the same time. Disappointed and really hopeful as well. It's just life. None of us really understands why we live it or why we response to it in such ways. It's just the nature of existence on a dying planet. Without art and music at this time I would have surly gone crazy. Luckily I have access to both. So I shall partake greatly in them today. To drown my sorrow as one among the living and dying. Because that may be the point to this entire trip around the Sun. Either way...I am a woman in a city of millions of intoxicated souls, reaching for the answers to oblivion. Running across the surface of a planet, screaming into he empty code, alive for just this moment. And also thankful that I have this understanding. A post apocalyptic urban journalist. Trying not to drown in all of the bullshit and stupidity. Last of the dying Cyber Punks, Astronaut in a land of only Cosmonauts. That statement being truest of all. At this point when we've lost our Space Shuttle and our skies are empty. Only alien contact can saves our imaginations now. As we have given our brains to robots and our hearts to nothing....I am Josalisa and there is a RiOt inside of this heart, on fire about to explode into flames.