some kind of beauty

Words move me to madness
so I dance
and carry all of this lands sadness
in my hands
I could be more than this
upholder of God's gifts
but then I understand
I am a woman in this man's land
still dreaming of the sand
still feeling the ocean on my face
still riding the ship
that brought me to this place
so why do I have a smile on my face
because I am a black women
and they knew I was coming
to be crowned in this land
so come on friends

smile when you see the girl

What is all this

So I'm dealing with unnecessary beef. I wonder what is the source. I often think in this situation the one fact I can hang on to is that it's not me. I feel like my energy overwhelms others often. I'm just a girl after all. I try to stay true to my dreams, and though this life adventure is hard for me. I try to stay among the joyful. I carry my pain, but I don't know. I just don't let it become the most important thing in my life. I know that is because my imagination, and my creativity. Both gifts given to me by God. So now would be the time to say thank you. Thank you.
I have these moments when I can't really figure out what the deal is. I know hating going down, and I just want to transfer it to love. But it just seem silly to me. I know folks look at my life, and say I'm on easy street. And all I can think is I've seen easy street, and It don't look like this. My dreams are coming true everyday, still I suffer. The path of the beautiful female. Hatred from the women that could help you. It's like being a female warrior. Forever on the counter-attack, or dealing with to much funky energy.
Whatever. Here's a poem.

On a spaceship
We would be freer on a little island
like this spaceship where we could only
be seen from far away
and we could laugh, and , love, and play
our dreams would become our reality
and we would forget the lonley ones
who cry for our company
on a spaceship we could fly away
and never have to look back this way again
if only we were astronauts
if only zero gravity we could feel
then we'd know our love was real
until then my heart is yours
and this poem is for me

Robot Issues

I'm up early and still sleepy. I need to go back to bed already. But I'm too stubborn. Yesterday was a chill day I just kicked with with JO. Okay to be continued.

The Ultimate Euro Pop Playlisthttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5188663872042960434&pli=1

I just created it on ProjectPlaylist.com. Check it out on the link below.

http://view.playlist.com/13370177803

I hope every one who understands the ride loves it.

The Silencing Of Waking Things

The greatest adventure in life, the actual living part is about to be documented. Fasten your seatbelts… No seatbelts? Well than fasten your guarder belts… No guarder belts? Me neither. Just hold on. Things all started a long time ago, or just yesterday. What? My mind gets fuzzy. That’s the real problem. How can I be punished for crimes that I must admit I feel fully capable of. But can by no means recall ever happening.
Multiple manslaughter they called it. Manslaughter, even if it is a girl. Really? What is it to slaughter a man? A human. True human power, at its gravest potential. I know I get angry often. Things just seem to bother me in a really deep way. I want to be more social, and like people. But it’s all the talking they do. I just can’t stand all the talking. All the questioning, all the wanting. They all seem to want something. To be heard, to be loved. They say the same thing all they time, “I just want to understand you.” What is there to understand about me? I’m just a girl I can’t save any of them from this life. My therapist says I’m anti-social. The judge said I was a sociopath. When I asked him did he mean like the Joker. He just stared at me like he didn’t even know who that was. I was just trying to grasp the term, and understand in what way he thought it related to me. A sociopath. Just because I don’t like all of the talking? I think they all expect me to want to talk because I’m a woman. If I where a man, I wouldn’t even be here right now. And they wouldn’t have said that thing about me not having any remorse for the crime. I said I was sorry, and didn’t remember everything. But honestly, I can’t. I just remember the talking.
*
` My name is Marley Jacobs, and I was a file clerk. I worked for the city of Los Angeles in the welfare department. Being a file clerk is a thankless job, but it’s quite. I like that. The quite. My job consisted of me working in a large room in the basement of a five story building. It’s not an exciting building. It’s old, and green, and full of social workers, and their colorful clients. I had to get searched by security guards every day before work. For my own protection of course, I may have a gun, or axe hidden on me I didn’t know about. So every morning on the first floor of the building I’d be searched alone side my co-workers, the social workers, and their clients. All on the same level of scum. Until we filed ourselves away to our different departments. The clients to the waiting room, where their children scream, and they waited to be degraded for a small fee. Me to the peace in the basement, and the social workers to the backrooms, or the upper floors. Where you hear their heels clacking the floors. Smell their over priced alcohol based perfumes. And of course the nonstop taking.
I worked with Kimber Larson. You know one of the girls they say I killed, or manslaughtered. Even though it was a girl. I guess I liked her. I means she dressed nice, and all. She was always asking about the basement, and my job. You know why a girl like me wanted to work as a file clerk. When I could be anything I wanted to. People think just because a woman looks nice, and dresses nice she should wants to be seen all of the time, or something. I told her I groomed myself out of boredom. But people can’t just seem to get it. I didn’t get out much, and fashion was my connection to the world. I wasn’t like her I didn’t want all of the attention, or the talking.
*

Every day she would come into my office, or the basement as it was really called while I was going through my files. And she would begin. The talking.
“Hey Marley. Did you watch Project Runway last night?”
I’d say, “Yeah”. Then the talking would go on. She always liked the worst designers. I have to admit I hated her for that. It’s a simple thing, yet we are all simple things. She’d go on for what seemed like hours about the show, and fashion magazine’s fall preview issues. Sure I liked fashion too. But like I pointed out before, we where different. She wore a mask, and I made masks. Could this be a reason to kill a person?
I’m not sure. I think any reason is a good enough reason to kill someone. The question is. Did I kill someone? Did I kill Kimber Larson? Was she really all that bad?
They say they found her body in the basement near the “F-H” section. Beaten to death. With a serious blow to the head, and burses all over her face, and upper torso. The blow to the head was done with a blunt instrument. A metal lunch box. My metal lunch box. My Star Wars metal lunch box? Really? Could I have hated Kimber, and her bad fashion sense, and insistent rambling that much? I mean I don’t really know. No one ever came into the basement. I heard people say they thought it felt creepy down there. I often wondered what made them fell that way, me, or the basement. I mean now that I think about it Kimber was the only person who ever came down. Not including Chuck the Janitor. He liked the quite also. He said it was a nice place to have lunch, and read. I also thought that. I liked Chuck he didn’t do a lot of talking. He was at the trial they asked him about me. He said, “She seemed like a lonely girl, like she had too much going on in her head. I always thought she was nice looking, but she had trouble expressing her self.” Chuck thought I did it. He said, “It was a very heinous crime, and Marley was a dark girl.” A dark girl. He should talk. He looked like one of those old guys you just know watches Japanese snuff films. They acted like they never even suspected Chuck. They said it had to be me because of the lunch box. “She always carried that lunch box. And she never had lunch in it she always caused the metal detector to go off with that thing” Yeah, well now that I really think about it I hated all of them. Especially Chuck. Why didn’t anyone think he did it? He was always foaming at the mouth over Kimber. He’s perfectly capable of this crime. I wasn’t the only so-called loner at work. Was I? Was I the only person who couldn’t stand the talking?
*
There where two other so-called victims. Michael Vincent. One of the security guards. I always called him Vincent Van Gogh. And he would look at me like he didn’t even know who that was. I hated him for that. They also found him in the basement. Stabbed to death with my Hello Kitty letter opener. I always wonder if you could kill someone with that thing. I guess there’s no question about it now. The second victim was Latonya Johnson, or Tonya as every called her. She always wear these yeast infection tight jeans to work. I mean she was bound to die of something some day. She would never stop talking about her wanna be gangster rapper boyfriend. I mean really is that even a clam to fame. A fake gangster rapper boyfriend? She also had really stupid taste in music too. Nelly, Trina, and Trick Daddy. Whatever. They said they found her in the second floor bathroom. Her head had been smashed into the porcelain sink, and than the mirror. No open casket for that one. They said they found my blood in the bathroom too, along with some of Kimber’s, and Vincent Van Gogh’s (who didn’t know who that was).
I just want to point out I hated both Michael, and Tonya for their stupidity, and do believe they deserved to die. I just don’t think I did it. I was nice to them. I would make Tonya mix c.d.’s all of the time. You know to help her see what real hip hop was, in hopes of saving her from her fate as a life long idiot. I even told Michael about the Van Gogh exhibit at LACMA, and the Starry Night song that was written about him. I really love that song it makes me cry every time I hear it. It just does not seem fair that great artist like Vincent Van Gogh should have suffered through life. And Michael Vincent should just continue on living like everything is just grapes. Only a real dumb ass would get stabbed to death with a Hello Kitty letter opener in my office anyway. They didn’t even offer to replace my metal lunch box. And that was a collector’s item. They just blamed me for the murders, and carted me off to Twin Tower’s women’s facility. Like I was Hannibal Lector or something. Like it’s a crime to hate the people at work. I bet some of you reading this hate some one at work right now. Well be carful because if they ever come up dead at work you may be carted off to prison also. They say I separated myself because in the five years I worked in the office I never ate in the break room. It’s called a break for a reason. So you don’t have to see anyone from work. I never bothered them they are the one’s who wouldn’t leave me alone. I wonder if they found me dead at work would the courts have blamed one of them. Probably Chuck. Then I could have been lead witness in his trial. And said all that stuff about him being anti social, and strange, like he said about me. And I would have brought up the Japanese snuff films as well.
So the state of California gave me one hundred and twenty five years for my crimes against humanity, and my co workers. They weren’t that great a group of people. But apparently people liked them. Go figure. What I really want to figure out is if I am really a multi murderer. I can’t remember having done anything wrong to any of those people. I went to work that Monday morning as usual. I saw Vincent Van Gogh in the lobby along with his other friends in the Gestapo which is L.A. County security. I got my usual search, and seizer of my box cutter. Which I couldn’t bring to work but I had it in my lunch box anyway for some reason. I also saw Latonya in the lobby that day. She gave my black, and white striped stocking, black Doc Martins, and pink mini dress the same hatful look of envy she gave my choice of clothing everyday. I just want to point out my supervisor Ms. Jones had recently sent me a memo about my “unorthodox” attire. And it’s inappropriateness in the work place. She should talk she wears patent leather Dolce & Gabbana rip off hills from Payless. And polyester in the summer time. Not that is the offence, polyester is just wrong anytime. Anyway the point is I had a felling that Latonya was the master mind behind my wardrobe complaints. She acted like she was so offended by my post apocalyptic punk rock wardrobe. Like she had never even seen the movie Tank Girl. Now that I think back I really did hate her. Do you know she had fake hair? Not Beyonce fake hair, but cheap swap meet fake hair. It looked real bad, and she would lie and say it was hers. She always lied about stupid things. I can’t see why anyone would have liked her. Let alone the people in her family who came to the trial crying and making things worst for me. Some one should go, and kill all of them too. Where is the baby cart assassin when you need him? I bet he would not have let the state give him one hundred and twenty five years. And what kind of sentence is that anyway? Do they even expect me to live that long. Like if I die will my spirit have to go to prison? What a bunch of rednecks. The public defender told me he had saved me from the electric chair due to my insanity. You know being a socio path, and all. What did he want me to say? Thanks I’d much rather sit in a psycho ward for the rest of my life, good looking out. I can’t believe he is still living. If I had one more day of freedom I’d go to his office tie him to his chair, dash him with petro, and set the whole thing ablaze. I’ve always wanted to do something like that you know. Burn someone alive. I wonder if you could smell the flesh, or would the wood burning over power it. Oh well I guess I’ll never know. I did read somewhere once that you could smell burning flesh, and the writer described it as the worst smell she had ever smelled. Pretty cool huh? I wonder if burning fat people smell like the Farmer John factory.

the update

so there was going to be an update about you know about how things went for me today. It was boring so you know the update is pointless. But here we go. I spent some of the day at the SSI office. Boring. But I did get a new social security card so mission accomplished. I did have a nice walk home. That was alright. I walked in my polka dot wedges which sometime hurt my feet on long walks. But this time around things went swell. No hurt feet, or blisters. Hurray for no blisters. You see this is the mediocre lifetime I am living. Besides that I made a really good diner. Batter dipped eggplant cheese melt sandwich, with lettuce, and tomatoes. Home made tortilla chips. Oh yeah it rocked hard. The eggplant was very juicy. I cut it thick. I think that may be the key. Anyway bottom line it was tasty. I also figured out today I still would not want to trade life's with any of my Friends. No matter how uneventful my suburban life may seem. I have been getting some writing done which is cool. I mean I wish I were banging out short stories every day. Or a least working on the next great American novel, or something. But you know I do what I do with my inspiration. Even though things are slow I still feel a sense of accomplishment. I'm sure there are those who would debate that. But their lives suck, anyhow. Trust me I know about that sort of thing. I'm just kidding. We even knows what I know right now. I'm just trying to figure it out myself. I feel like I'm on the cusp of greatness. I know it may sound pertincious but I have to express myself right. And I just feel something in the wind. Like the tress have been whispering to me that it's here and the reward is just down the road. I just need to stay true to my self. And my oldest dream.
I guess that's it.
Good night Machine heads.

good life

So I'm trying to live life as a writer. It's a broke ass experience. But I love it. I'm making a late breakfast, and IMing Jess. Things are so far so good. I'm hungry so I'll update later.

Good Morning Machine Heads. I haven't updated in a few days. Things have been moving along pretty smooth. A little bump here, and there. But you know so far so good. The American people finally used there good sense and voting Obama as the next president I'm very happy about that. It's shows we are moving in a positive direction and we all need love, and hope. I think the county may become a better place. I'll just have to see I don't want to be to dogmatic right away. But hey lets face it things feel better already. And of course no more Bush-shit.
Besides politics I've spent the week with J.O. the world weighs heavy upon his shoulders until he realizes it shouldn't be up there anyway. Things are good with us we are broke but hopeful our talents will help us in some way. We have decided to depend on God's gifts to take care of our selves. It's not easy living as an artist but it's lovely, and it feels like the right thing to do. My writing is my tool. And I feel like we can conquer our poverty with a great story, and a paint brush. And leave this place a little better than we found it. I'm listening to L7 right now. I love those girls it's a wonderful way to start a day. My teeth kind of hurt right now, but it bearable. That's all for now. I'm getting ready to watch The View.
Later.

inspration

I had a beautiful dream last night about my grandmother, and my family. The dream inspired hope in me, and sort of reminded me that my dreams can come true. And that I should continue to and be creative with my art, and writing. I know with persistence my gifts will lead me to the success I am seeking. The dream was so validating. My time is now and at this point I am just sharping my skills. When I reach out to the right people who are on their way to meet me half way. I will find what I have been looking for all of my life. Every moment of joy, and struggle has just lead me here to this moment in time. And this will lead to my future as a well paid artist. I will not struggle against the tide I will not jump in every ones face with it. I will just create in peace, and with the knowledge that my time is here. And that I am on my way. Thanks grandma. You will forever be my inspiration, and my joy in this world.
As a side note: I saved my white polka dot shoes by painting them blue with green spots. I am now feeling great peace. The universe is truly conspiring in my favor. Peace be with you Machine Heads.

sunday is funday

Coldplay was on SNL last night, and it was so great. They played Viva La Vida, Lost?, and Yellow. Three songs. I didn't know if they would perform Lost? so when they did I freaking lost it. It really was cool Chris Martin also gave a shout out to Barak Obama which just makes him even cooler. Besides that I had a nice Saturday night alone relaxing. This morning was kind of cold, but the sun is here now so that's all over. Right now I'm listening to Coldplay, and trying to make connections on Twitter. I think I'll call, and say what's up to Fanny. Alright. I'm out Machine Heads.

What's Up Machine Heads

What's up I made it through another day, and it feels so good. I'm about start my day, and I know it will be lovely. That's all. I'm out.

I'm going to bed

Goodnight. I just finished watching Brave New World. It was kind of awesome , maybe a little too long. That is all.

Today

So JoJo came over, and we are kicking it. I think he is having a good time. I hope so I enjoy being around him. I just finished watching two episodes of Dirty, Sexy, Money with my mom. It's always fun. I'm going to get ready to make some dinner for us so we don't have to worry about it later. That's about it. JoJo just finished washing the dog. So I'm out. Later machine heads.
Listening to Soul Asylum. And loving it.

good night

I'm watching the Colbert Report, and then going to bed. My teeth are still kind of hurting, but things are getting better pretty fast. I'm looking forward to seeing JoJo tomorrow. Okay he's doing tonight's word so I'm out. Oh yeah I got my computer to speed up so I'm super happy right now. Later machine heads.

teeth

They hurt. I just took some Tylenol it should kick pretty soon. Besides that my night is going cool. I'm about to call it a night. I'm going to watch Seinfeld. So later.

Good Morning

I just got up, and I have a good felling about the day. It's kind of cold. I'm just going to have some hot tea, and a blunt. See ya.

I'm bored.

They say boredom is a lack of creativity. But I don't know I feel somewhat isolated. Which I'm usually into but today. I just fell lonely. I miss JoJo I guess, that's probably the problem. No JoJo, no one to laughs with. Kind of sucks. I've been sleep for hours. I didn't even have any cool dreams. I guess I'll just call someone up, and smoke a blunt. That should kill time. But this is just a lazy Saturday with nothing going on. Whatever I'm tired of this. I'm out.

This day

So things are still looking up. I'm working on a story right now, and it's coming along pretty nice. Today is my brother De'andre's birthday which is kind of a holiday to me. Besides that it's all just moving along. Here's a poem for my bro.

The world spins along and so do we
moving at the speed of sound
being held down by gravity
intense poverty can't hold on
I've been waiting for change for so long
and it's here
so here is to all the tears from the past
and all the love and the laughs
life still carries us on
and now that I look back it never was really all that bad
because of you
the tribe carries on like we do
each one doing are part to spread the knowledge
that comes from the heart
thank life for the chance to dance
this rhythm will go on forever
and so will the love that holds our family together
through the sadness and the madness
the change we waited for
it's always been here
I love you my dear
good luck out there this year
enjoy what comes to you
and whatever you do
know that I'll always be here

The Heroin Monkey's

The heroin monkey's are awake. Pounding on the bathroom door demanding nonsensical things, just like their drug. What a life. Living with Sid Vicious, and Nancy Spungen. The least they could do is make some kick ass punk rock music. But they did make me, which is pretty punk rock now that I think of it.

butt crust

Sometimes I wake up and someone has left but crust on the toilet. And I just can't really grasp, how someone can just let go like that. I mean come on. Washing your ass is like one of life's greatest pleasures. There are so many products that smell good, and smelling good makes you feel good. And you know why not take advantage of it. Since you know the other option is, well just stankassity. I just don't get it. Seeing but crust on the toilet makes me what to vomit. No matter how many times I've seen it, no matter what time of day it is. I want to vomit.

hey

Things seem to be looking up for me. I am moving forward. I just wanted to put the love out into the universe. I feel it, and I appreciate the love. I will have more new, and enjoyable experiences in the the near future. And am enjoying myself now as well. This is boring, but it's true.

Be Positive

I have to think, and manifest with love, and joy. I'm just really going to focus on that. I Know in joy, and positivity no harm can come to me. I know with patients, and faith all my dreams will come true. The universe is conspiring in my favor as I write these words. I will embrace happiness in the face of any adversity. In fact there is no adversity. There is only life, and love at this moment. With pure intention, and focused thought I will seize this moment. I will reach for the light which is never out of reach. I will remember what I have forgotten. I will travel deep within my self and feel my strength. A fight is never necessary. When one taps into the all knowing. Words are my connection with it all. Yet I know at know time can I truly ever be disconnected. There is much love here. I am swimming in the light which never dims. File this under "Bravery through Love".

I t doesn't matter

It's so simple to abandon the one you love
cause it' s too hard
so I suffer and I know this will go on
when one loves they know not what it is
so I'm turning my back on you too
all of you
I suffer because I love
and know not what it is
I have a shaky hand now when I write
what did I really think was going to happen
that you'd take me away from all this
that you'd know the answers to this puzzle
but you are just a kid
and I'm this woman whose heart hurts too much
they're breaking me
but I can still see the sun
I'm running so fast
and the pain still catches up
I just wanted joy
But I don't know what it is
I wonder how long will I live
and will my words survive
will you get me then

Most sleep as I dream with my eyes open. Drowning from the light on the mahines screen. My thoughts travel in many diffrent directions. I have too many questions to list tonight. Today. I'm always hoping for a change. Now I just want some form of stability. And to aquire the tools I need in order to advance my abilities. Silence covers my tounge. Therefore I must run. Farewell.

This is the day

Good morning. So far so good. You know. Everyday it get easier to breath. I want to thank God for all that has come before this. Today may not be a big day. But somehow I feel great joy in anticipation of the events that will be laid before my path. Traditional optimism makes for bad poetry in my opinion. Yet here I am, holding hope in one hand. And the flows in the other.

I can only expect to be uplifted
by who
the street angels
my own joy flows through the madness
it's all too big
yet it's shrinking
it's all confusing
so I'm still thinking
life is just a blink of the eye
one wink until I die

close to my life time

there is a point in my life I am waiting to reach
like my true life has not began
to contemplate this disgust me somehow
the fact that I know every moment should be joyful
but it's not
How do I know it it's supposed to be joyful
I just think I do
All I really know is what I think
far to deep in my own imagination
with flashes of all of them
how far away from all of this can I get
I used to want to be an astronaut
now I'm calling all cosmonauts
the countdown has began
7654321.....

Poets do not die

words last a literate lifetime
they blow with the wind
change with the season
and for clear reason
won't sleep or die
poets do not die
we blink
sometimes
we

Some type of crazy man madness

I feel like my boyfriend is a nutcase sometimes. The question is. Is he trying to take me with him? I always get these calls from him in the middle of the night. And though I have sympathy, and feel in solidarity with his suffering. I wonder I much more I can take. What shall be the concussion?
Can I save a life, while trying to live a life that seems too hard for me. What could I really be if my life were my own? Am I a bad person when I say no matter how long you've loved a person you can rescue no one. How much of all this is just him being drunk?How much of this is just pure bad judgment? How much of it is life karma? Then there is the question of karma? Is this my bad karma, or his? Is this good, or bad karma? Is the universe trying to whisper something into our ears? Where would his life be without me? Where would my life be without him? How can another soul blame you for the life they are living? Must be nice to not have to just except it. Sometimes I wish I lived the life in my dreams. Where I am happy again. Maybe I am. What to do when your life has been hijacked by an emotional terrorist?. Will I ever have love again? Passion, and madness go hand, and hand. Anyway here's a poem.

when I was queen of my universe
I owned everything I could see
joy and me never played this enemy game
things changed
now I'm this woman battling with words
from crowned pawn
to royalty at a dark prom
dancing with my bruised and reluctant prince charming
privilege is in question
there is no privilege in the garden of Eden
there is no garden in loneliness
you know this all seems well rehearsed
I saw it before
When I was queen of my universe

meditions in an emergency

That title is not mine, but came up. And we all know how that goes. I feel pretty good right, and I would like to thank God for that. I far too often feel like it is all coming to an end. In fact I am majorly concerned with the apocalypses in general. Wide spread famine, floods, water wars, contamination of the food supply. It's just Mad Max tomorrow in my head. Thank God for the Beatles, and all that good stuff. Or maybe I'd be Tank Girl. No I'm just kidding. I've always been Tank Girl, and will continue the tradition until the end.

too shady, and crazy

Man, this world is sometimes too much for a woman like me. I was raised in all kinds of shady craziness, and the shit ain't over yet. The older I get the wilder the west becomes. You can't really trust anybody. Mostly because a great majority of mankind can't really trust themselves. Then we depend on one another for education. To me this world is mad sick right now. Has been for a while, yet you know I still reach up for the love. But for real folks are weak mentally. They are either smart, but don't know what to do with themselves. Or dumb as fuck, and trying to do way much. I feel like I love even though I'm neutral on most bullshit. I'm just trying to be a corporate media assassin, and trying to make sure my words don't die. I don't want my struggle to be for nothing. Sometimes I wish God could just look down on me, and save me from all of this. Here's a poem.

my strenght comes from within
where the tears are
I cry for too many men
who will be there for me in the end
will I even be remembered
or will there just be these words to decipher
my strength comes from within
where my joy is
that's how I know I'm going to heaven
though I now dwell in
well I'm sure you can tell