I Have No Information

Dark on the inside

Heavy on the out

This is my landslide

I see inside of you

Stars on the the inside

Magic on the outside

Vibrating creation

I'll conquer over you

Calm on the inside 

Pain on the outside

I dream riddles at night

By day I solve them for you

Tragic on the inside

Dying on the outside

This is my blanket

A cloud over you

Moving on the inside

Steal on the outside

Words are my insight

Girl on the inside

RiOt on the outside

I eat less everyday

I replaced violence with food

Pain on the inside 

Pain on the outside

This is my landslide

The music's the truth

This is my insight 

This is my insight

Breathing Life Into My Death

All that is holy now 

All that is love see me 

All that is free join me

                                    I am that which never ends                                                              

All that is spirit seek me

All that is fortitude is planted in me

I am the living planet

All that is beauty breath with me

All that is patience move with me

All that is heart understand me

I am dignity come dance with me

All that is connected work with me

All that is rightoussness smile with me

All that is joy come into me

I am true love here for eternity

All that is knowledge free me

All that is consciousnesses feel me

I am death please come join me

All that's darkness know me

All that's light come into me

All that's brave shield me

I am gentle fragile as glass

All that is simple shall pass

All that is lost has not gone

All that I am is here today

I am the entity here for the singularity

All that is mathematics is within

All that is metal is alive

I am sand forming footprints until I close my eyes.

I am the Real Lady Die.

Only that which I see can touch me.

Only that which I think can form me.

I am that which is living and dying

I am heaven and hell

Can't you tell

This is the madness of Josalisa and this is a spiritual RiOt

A Splash Into The Deep

I had a dream that I understood everything, accepted everyone, and was very happy. It's hard to live in the present but it's the only way. Otherwise we are teetered to a dead past or tripping over the future as it rushes past. This requires some kind of clear Buddhist mind. I don't have one of those, I just have the map that I've been using all these years. The one I use to manipulate time and space. It's strange how things can feel unbearable then you remember all that doesn't matter. It's all anti-matter being projected by a hologram. The course of my life relies on what I desire. That's the game, making sure your thoughts are your on and not some pollution put in there by outside forces. What's really important to me besides the love is the seeing it all. I feel like I need to understand things more but I understand things are very basic. It's hard not to see it all as some kind of strange experiment. My desires are so basic to me. Create the universe that lies within my heart through art. My only other desire is to leave this God awful city to see the world. No one should be stuck in the same place for this many years. It's ridiculous. I need to see something that inspires me to the core. That thing is not in this city at this time. The adventure of my life needs to begin soon. So universe, here's to meeting me half way and bringing me to that road. I'm tired of not being able to get lost. How can one get lost in a place that is as familiar as the back of her hand? Los Angeles has become groundhog day to me. If I had any kind of ovaries I would just pack up and go right this minute. Take my meager life savings and say goodbye to these people I've gathered around me. Say goodbye to this city I was born in and have never left. I'll make it happen soon. I need to get lost in a crowd where no one's ever seen me. In L.A. it's like every face is just part of the same old story. Every piece of the land scape is breathing the same desire. The frequencies are starting to no longer match. Some will tell you magic works anywhere and it pretty much does. I need to change the vibrational frequency I am on. Paris, Madrid, Manchester, Dijibouti. Could you be speaking to me? Morocco has those mountains the Jajouka live in. I wonder how the echo really sounds in one of them? So many questions. I'm writting these mad things down so I can do them in the near future. I hate to feel bored. I guess I am not bored, I am just uninspired. Things get created everyday, but really like this city I've seen them all before. I need to be inspired to make new worlds within. I need new concepts in my life. I have a desire to have my mind blown by great amounts of beauty. Just simple ideas I can't even imagine right now. So I need to get going soon. One should never have to stay in a place where it is virtually impossible to get lost. Some humans on this planet today can't even dream of such a concept. On a lighter note my computer crashed yesterday and I lost all of my pictures again. It doesn't bother me because I blogged most of them so no loss really. What is ever really lost? Our hearts to strangers, our loved ones to the heavens? When I lose things I get freaked out but, then I am thankful for the reminder that I have to still learn to let things go. As a human in my mind I hold on to things too often and for too long. One should never make the unimportant that which is crucial. I do it all of the time. But it's a waste. Things, like lives come and go. Sand through our fingers and all that. So here I am on a new computer still rambling about that which wakes me in the earliest part of the day. Wondering how I will get to the other side of the world from here? Wondering how my words and music will touched the souls of the like minds? Wondering if my thoughts are all but lost in time and space. Still feeling quite alien here among the humans. I've never been wild, I've always been part of the unnatural. Part of the unbelievable. This life I desire like the one I lead is impossible to achieve but, it's all happening anyway. Isn't that how it always is? We know these things are impossible but they have to happen anyway. Without the impossible where would we all be? It's strange what people desire or how we choose to live. In lust with stranger after stranger. To me that is like masturbation with a partner. In love with the lies we tell ourselves. That is like a sickness or trying to hide in a mirror. In love with the hate we project. That is like being some sort of emotional criminal. I'm in love with a dying Space Program. That is like watching old Sci-Fi reruns. What I really love is this life as a writer. This strange life in a little room with too may thoughts and not enough space for my paintings. This is what I really love. This life as an artist. Which has been at times overwhelming with both joy and great disappointment. But I still love it. Because my people are all over this planet. Alone like me in little rooms writing down their desires, drawing their worlds that we hope to visit. I can feel them now. The new Kafkas. Only this time we will get it right. We won't have to wait for death to say it. The bizarre corners of our minds are alive with color and dreams that we live everyday. The writers. What a mad breed we all are. Let me also just say something here, something I rarely say. Thank God for my Guru out there showing me the world. Looking at it though eyes much like my own. You make it all seem so close at hand. Without you I would still be afraid to be this person I have become. I would still be holding on to the sand that long ago rushed to the ground. The things I though I could never be, I am now. I am no longer afraid to be what I want to. I will never again rush in with my eyes closed. I will understand that it is all my desire and my desire is all that I see. I will contemplate the life adventure I want to undertake more. But for what? It has been said. Now the hard work of having patience with myself and my dreams begins. What kind of woman am I? Just like all the others I guess. They seem so far away from me. But it's I who have traveled so far now. Mind On Far Out. .................................................................................................. Heart on my sleeve/ mind on my dreams/ eyes on my hands/ can I create a place as real as I imagine/ mortal man says it can never happen/ so I use magic to make things from the ether/ I'm not the desperate other the way too eager/ I live for today yesterday is for the anthropologist old bones for the archaeologist/ tomorrow belongs to the scientist/ the creators...well all we have in this life is a gift and it's all but used up now/ I am a frowning clown the court jester/ dancing fully glowing beautifully beneath a shinning moon/ of the land of animal and man some have been set free/ those I hold in my heart with me/ I am the last of the dying madmen/ I am the last of a dying breed/ Hopefully the human race will be the last to see me/ when I go I will not be turning back to this city of dreams by the sea/ I'm drowning in a rickety kayak made of the finest poetic misery ...................................................................................................................... I am Josalisa and this is my heart in a RiOt

The Paranoia Hits Code Red

This is what happens when the paranoia hits Code: Red. When the institutional training lines up and we finally realized what we wanted all along wasn't the sex the drugs or the rock and roll. But freedom from this society. It's a prison. A mental and physical prison. I've been rattled awake from deep REM sleep state to manipulate the CPU chip. The message is this: We are living in a prison. It feels like there is no escape, because that is what a prison is. But there is a escape. It has to do with remembering the training. When it started, how it first felt, what is it's purpose, what is your position in the web? I feel like my programming has never been complete. At my earliest stages of training (at least as I remember) I began to see the manipulation. The programmers are the programmed, so they aren't that smart. At age 4 (I believe ) is when they began to go at me. With the brain manipulation stick. Sit here, eat this, play with this, dress like this, you're a this. I never liked any of it. I've always wanted to eat, sleep, meet, and dress like I dreamed. The programming became clear. I think that is where it fucked up. The most important part of this whole society racket is that you are not supposed to know you are trained for it. Like once you see the wires, or the babies in the bio-feed giving life to the machines. There is no turning back. So the fact that I was being programmed was clear to me from an early age. At that point I knew I had to escape my fate as a robot. I didn't want to become one of them. So I began the isolation. You know in order to observe the general set up. It began to look like . Government was on top, they issued most of the food and they ran the institution. I wasn't sure how many, but everyone I could see was in on it. The kids my age for sure, the older ones seemed like Zombies to me, so I figured the training was gradual. The adults were a mystery so I gave up on them. To concentrate on art and literature. Maybe I could find some allies. The kids in my neighborhood looked all but hopeless. Maybe not the immigrants, they have messy yards. A sure sign of the non-patriotic kind of freedom I was looking for. I started investigating the immigrants. It was clear pretty quick that the immigrants were not in on the whole brainwash racket. But they had another racket going, Religion. And I liked it. It was like the story of the Frankenstein Monster. But real. It had all of the elements of of a good horror story. There was magic, death , destruction, fire, famine, an underdog Hero, who secretly came from Royalty. It was better than the movies, it was Broadway. And best of all it was playing every Sunday in a theater near me, called church. I had to see it live. At a young age 5 yrs old, I found out about what I considered at the time to be the most awesome bad-ass magic ever. It only happened to people who truly believed in the miracle of church: Stigmata. Holy fuck, stigmata looked freaking amazing. I mean bleeding hands and chest. The replication of the wombs of Christ. This was not part of the training and I wanted it. I saw pictures of Stigmata and it looked really fucking amazing, blood and lots of it. But not only that people were really into it. My only questions were could one's eyes bleed and could it happen to me? I had to go to church. People were bleeding all over the place and better yet they were eating a body (it was the body of Christ) and I had to see it. As you can imagine once I got to church there was no stigmata outside of the picture of Jesus on the Cross. And Jesus was white, like the fucking Mailman. This dude could not be God because he is made in my image and the nigga looked like the Ice Cream Truck Man. Fail. Religion is part of the programming. Momma take me home! Now what? Once you find an escape from the programming and it's quickly made clear that was just more programming. You begin to become a conscious observer. Knowing any move can be part of the programming. I started reading more. I needed those allies. In the children's library I had access to, my information was limited to say the least. It appeared my only ally was a white chick named Cinderella. So I begin the Disney Programming (but on myself). It was very interesting and I am all but free from that now. Not entirely free. How long does it take a girl to awake from self inflicted Disney Programming? As far as I know I am still asleep even now in the Satanic arms of old Walt. I still watch Once Upon A Time on the Disney Channel ABC. So it's still very much part of me. So what has Disney Programming taught me? Sex is fun, boys are brave, strong, smart, and fun, being pretty is important and special, my Mother is my enemy (too often), dresses are an option, I am special, mobilization is real. I only half believe any of that. But it's the half that I am worried about. So as you can see we are all in a cell. My cell is sponsored by a corporation. Lucas Films had always been a major part of my life. It was my escape route from Disney Princess to boyish Disney Jedi. There really is limited escape once you see what programming you have. But isn't knowing half the battle? Probably not. So what's the point, Monarch? How do I become a real butterfly (that's Monarch Programming non-self inflicted) with metal wings and get way from this whole punked up Disney Princess vibe I'm on. Even punk hair is DP Programming. See the DP's give us unrealistic ideas about what hair really is. A pink spiked mohawk is perfectly acceptable in this twisted reality. Because for years you see nothing but multicolored haired women interacting with one another and the supernatural. Anyhow I don't have an answer here. Real freedom comes from within the mind. But how do you know if the mind is really free? Or if the Freedom is part of the programming. Kind of like the Anonymous movement. Programmed dissension, corporate sponsored rebellion. Madness ia really the only answer here. But that is the Monarch Programming I received from Alice In Wonderland. The madness, the matrix, the questioning of reality, the dreaming in the waking state, the mulitverse. It's all Alice. It's all in the details. The only thing real is mathematics. The only true freedom is understanding. This is my mind. There is no escaping here. And it has corporate sponsorship. Lifelong apparently. Until I get to the mountains were I can go good and crazy then I will write the good stuff. Just like Spider taught me. A girl with a typewriter in a log cabin. You know I really feel free from all of this when I am having sex. Group sex is even better. Getting my mind wrapped around the general vortex without all of the programming. But I need a more permanent means of escape. Beside all of the Science, or the Science Fiction which is a another really good means of escape. You just turn the whole thing upside down and look at it through a mirror. That's when you can clearly see the lifelong programming in action. But one can not live off of Science alone. So here's to another blog entry that does nothing more than ask questions. Who are we, why are we here, and what sort of programmer am I? The Dark Sci-Fi kind of course. My name is Josalisa and this is definitely a digital RiOt.

Words & Thoughts Are Magic

I still find it fascinating how I can be hurt by something one day and just get over it. I mean just outright suffering over a single thought and then voila. It's over, that's how I know for a fact emotions are only thoughts. I need to stop focusing on low frequency ideas. They are such poison. Creating with intention is no small task. But it is very much worth the effort I am making. Just thoughts bouncing around and they can make me feel so emotionally drained. Trying to understand anything outside of the vortex is pointless, but old habits die hard. On a lighter note. It's all gravy now. I was recharged by all the positive meditation I took part in this weekend. Also I had a good night's fuck....I mean sleep. lol. I mean both. But the point is it was a good night for me. Intention is everything. I mean even if a person wants to be a good person, they still can be vibrating all funky because they have poisonous intentions. Man, there is still so much I have to learn in this world. The weight of all the information I don't have can just crush me. I am laying back more and becoming a watcher. There is much to be gained from just watching. You find out things that hurt you. But watching. Not listening to others, or adding your own flavor, just watching. One can really see the grid very clear. Watching I guess can be a form of meditation. I say a form because thinking is involved. Besides that, having instruments available changes everything. No thought needs to go unexpressed. I've also found that I can now say less. I can write a song or play the piano for a while and get a lot out. I don't need to express everything to people. I think people who over-share are desperate to express something that would have ended up in a song or a poem. If they knew what was good. Music has helped me to understand the world in a new way. I waited so long for so many people. And for what? This was a personal adventure all along. I just didn't have eyes to see, or maybe I was afraid to see. Either way I am refreshed and I feel safe inside of my own heart. I've freed myself from some unknown oppressor. Not through physical means but through the universal melody I've tapped into. What I will become in the future is still a mystery. For now I'm freer. Everyday I get happier. It's kind of a scary feeling. But it seems everyday I get happier. My heart gets a little lighter. I really did have the weight of the world on my shoulders for nothing. I mean fuck 'em. We are the all seeing, all dying, rotten corpse scums of the universe. There is really no reason to hold a single thing back. Because who are we reporting to but ourselves? Who can we please but ourselves? So strange how I get caught up in the nothingness. I have to tell myself everyday. I am creating this reality. I see what I want to see. I am the person I have always wanted to be. This is my dream life. I am on the dream planet, at the best time in the world. All things are here for me. All people come in the name of love to me. This is the right time for all the I seek. Also I am very much in love with a beautiful brave creative man. Who has never left my side since the day we laid eyes on one another. He has been on my side with a song, a story, a painting , or song for nine long years. I'm so fucking lucky for that I can slap myself for complaining. So I will rise above my own bullshit and be more grateful. For the love I have around me. I am surrounded with love. And it is the exact kind I dreamed of before I came to this world. So here's to no more tears wasted on low vibrating thoughts. Here's to patience and my quiet room. Here's to my piano and to my voice. Here's to my tears becoming seas and rivers of pulchritude...Here's to Josalisa and her perpetual RiOt.

Magic Is The Answer

This week I really made it through some adversities. I never thought I was strong enough to face certain things. Turns out I have the ability to do way more than I think. Not only that but people around me and stranger expect it from me. So it's all gravy. Yesterday was a good day with the fam. I've been having plenty of good days with the fam. I am very thankful for them. I am also very thankful for JoJo. It would be such a struggle right now without him. Every woman needs a person in her life she can love and trust. A shoulder to cry on and a friend to lean on. Plus who else is going to deal with a total geek-bag like me? I know he would never let me go, and if I tried to leave him he would fight for me. I am grateful for that. The other thing I am grateful for is my fingers. All of last year they were used in pursuit of creativity. And I made some pretty good things. Some good music and funny poems and of course the colorful pictures of the strangest things I dream. I am very thankful for these fingers. So today will be a good day. One of adventure and the fulfillment of curious endeavor. I feel braver and more confident. I never knew I had a problem with confidence. But there is something to be said for doing things with intention as opposed to just blindly jumping in head first. I am a dream come true. I have to remember that. For myself I am a dream come true. I have created this life. It's a struggle but it's coming along just fine. I believe in the things I have made. I will stand by them. Soon I will do my first performance and that is going to be a whole other level of new madness. I am looking forward to it with fear that I will be booed off of stage. But that would be hella funny so maybe there is no fear. I am just happy to be in this moment. When I have let go of the things that bother and block me and let in only the things I want. This life is a dance with death and heartache. But when you feel really free inside. What or who can really challenge you? When you see inspiration in all things. What obstacles are there for you? When you know who you are then the battle has been won. I have to remind myself that the fight I am in has been won a long time ago. I'm only shadow boxing now. It's really funny to look at things that way. All of this struggle and holding back is just shadow boxing. There is not obstacle in my way. My Mom is home and well now. I was hurt that no one I know called to ask about her. But that has nothing to do with me. Most are empty inside. And I can not take simple things personally. I felt I learned that lesson but somewhere deep down inside I think I'm just understanding how not to do it. Take it personal I me. It's nothing to do with me. It's a vast universe out there. It has too be overwhelming at times. When I close my eyes I feel only love beauty and joy. That's what I radiate. If I don't see it reflected back it has nothing do with me. So here's to today. it just a day like any other. But I have my paintbrush in my back pocket. I will paint it to the tones I want to see. And blow a little tune on my little flute just for me...This has been another message from Josalisa in a perpetual RiOt of epic proportions.

Reaching For The Answers To Oblivion

I woke up contemplating friends who are emotionally lost to me, the fight I had with my Brother all day yesterday in my head only, and the wonderful complexity of the Human Double Helix. So what's that? Closed acquaintances, sibling rivalry, and human DNA. Let's discuss. I feel like I may be the type of person who is emotionally there for those whole care for me. I say I may be, because who really knows what they are in this world? I believe I know what I am, but its still a bit strange floating around in deep space. So I like to base these solid conclusions on not so solid atmospheric temperatures. I have been going through a lot of suffering with my Mom being in the hospital for so long and the weight of me being the only qualified living relative to look after both of my parents. A job that though I should have been, I was not prepared for. It's awkward to say the least feeling when the people that raised you need to be taking care of. I'm not even sure what to do day after day. At times like this you have to reevaluate the folks you have around you. Who was there for you when things were just fun and who is there for you when you have to go through hard stuff? Not the same people. That upset me earlier but I understand it now. Most people are still like children. I understand that in a way I never did until now. When I step back and pardon my ego. I see that most living are in a kind perpetual childhood. Where it's party, play, work, get what I can get from whoever. I'm too intoxicated to even know what happened last week, fuck the world I'm the most important one in it type thing. It blows my mind but it's the way of the masses. This is the source of some of my lack of ability to relate to flat scans. My second thought was of me being angry with my Brother. It's a terrible feeling being upset with someone in your own family. It feels like punching yourself in the face. For now on when I meet those horrible selfish people who hate their family or don't have a family. I will understand their emptiness in a new way. To have anger in you heart towards someone in you family is exactly like self hate. I always say hating anyone is self hate, you know because of the one consciousnesses reflecting itself in the mirror theory. Meaning all hate is self hate. But hating your own family is just really abuse. Anyway being mad at my Bro for 24 hours feels terrible. I have to call to apologize to him today. I'm sure he didn't even notice how pissed I have been. Which is going to make the conversation funny. All these big emotions are just me playing out some game in my head. That is true for everyone. It's always funny when I notice it about myself. I know it's not funny to everyone. But I am the Court Jester and that job is not suitable for everyone. It's just one of the many ways to go through life here on Number 3. So I guess old Crink and Maurice Wilkins come into play about here. The Double Helix was on my mind because this is all DNA. Our family, who we chose as friends, how we react emotionally. It's all in that structure. Carefully written in the bars of the Double Helix. Can we help who we are? Yes. Can we change who we are? Yes. Was it written, like the Arabs say? Yes. That's the beauty of this life. It's complex and very emotional, even heartbreaking. But it can all be understood with just a simple model of our DNA structure. I want to be a better person. A better friend, a better Sister, a better Daughter, a better Wife, a better Herpetologist for my Turtle friends. And I will but for now I am just me. I fuck up, I feel upset, I feel like I don't understand the humans. Though I've read more Biology books than the average amateur. I still feel disconnected and really connected at the same time. Disappointed and really hopeful as well. It's just life. None of us really understands why we live it or why we response to it in such ways. It's just the nature of existence on a dying planet. Without art and music at this time I would have surly gone crazy. Luckily I have access to both. So I shall partake greatly in them today. To drown my sorrow as one among the living and dying. Because that may be the point to this entire trip around the Sun. Either way...I am a woman in a city of millions of intoxicated souls, reaching for the answers to oblivion. Running across the surface of a planet, screaming into he empty code, alive for just this moment. And also thankful that I have this understanding. A post apocalyptic urban journalist. Trying not to drown in all of the bullshit and stupidity. Last of the dying Cyber Punks, Astronaut in a land of only Cosmonauts. That statement being truest of all. At this point when we've lost our Space Shuttle and our skies are empty. Only alien contact can saves our imaginations now. As we have given our brains to robots and our hearts to nothing....I am Josalisa and there is a RiOt inside of this heart, on fire about to explode into flames.