I Tried To Die. Here's Why...But Not Really.

I want to write about my madness but where to begin. At me predicting the future in my journals or me being locked into a mental institution. Who knows? Who the fuck even really knows? I want to reproduce my mental institution journal entries here...but I'll just let whoever finds the hard copies be the one to explain it all. Is it all that hard to comprehend? Pure madness. Not just the kind I dream about, the real kind was upon me. Now I worry will I ever be free of my psychotic demons. Or were the demons ever real? Was it just me? I know it was just me in my own head overthinking it all as usual. Singing it all but it is never enough? Saying it all but I can never get it all out of me. Like throwing up but a mental vomiting. I am a writer as mad as my contemporaries and the men and women who came before me. So now I get over myself and get out of my own way and let the words flow. I always let the words flow and the tears but never the beers because I do not like to be dizzy. I am a court jester after all and only play the part of any of my many characters. In my heart beats the  dying and the trying. Do you guys know I tried to die? It is so silly trying to die before your time. Like attempting to stop the human heart by force. It is not as easy as one would imagine and then you have to be all embarrassed that you failed at yet another truly useless task. Suicide. The stuff of legends and of songs. Don't try it and if you do make sure it works. Because having to face the world after a suicide attempt is not really all that funny. But we all like to laugh here. Why did I want to die in the first place? Because I am bored and my heart never stops hurting. Like really sometimes it hurts so bad it feels like it will just pop right our of my chest. But it won't, now will it? I can never tell any of you why I thought my heart was going to pop right out of my chest or why did I attempt to stab myself in it. Or why I attempted (oh so suburban suicide) to drown myself in the swimming pool. As a side note, Goergie they all float. They really do... 

Either way I can't choose a side to any war or gender or form of sex. So my brain splits oh so often and the madness pours in like wine. Sherry anyone? I do feel oh so much better but Alice is still here beside me and maybe she shall sit forevermore. Who really even knows about these things. Only Morrissey and the great writers who I am reaching for. The reality of today is I feel a lot better. But will I ever be the same person who tried to die? I do not think so. I am done with death, my constant companion. And much like Irvine Welsh's junkies...I choose life. Oh so beautiful life with all of it's beauty and sadness. I choose it. I choose the light. As it shines on everything that I may not want to see. I still choose it. I choose to see. My eyes will not close, they fucking won't. So in comes the truth in all of it's glory. I always want to run away to have another tell my story. But it is mine to tell and this is it. 

I am a Woman on the verge. Of it all. On the verge of love. On the verge of art. On the verge of music. On the verge of fashion. On the verge of friendship. On the verge of God. On the verge of the occult. On the verge of it all. I have to choose a side. But it is a fucking circle we are riding on is it not? And circles do not have sides so there. It is all math and I choose numbers and science. I choose to keep it all a secret deep in my heart. I choose to whisper it to my true lover and that is okay with me. I am a live. I made it though my own darkness and I will not let any of yours in dear friends who may not read this. Because dear, are any of you really dear? Can you hear my whisper? Can you understand my songs? I started out as a tear and ended up as a smile.

I am Angelisa Josalisa and this my friends is a RiOt...