How can I change it all. This is my dream right? So I should be able to rearrange the scenery and manipulate the circumstances. Well I'm going to have to. Because this thought is not working. It's not working for me. I know I can do better than this. This...all of it is a past thought. Maybe even a negative manifestation. I really have to check myself and look at it from as many different angles as possible. This whole thing could be the product of a negative idea. I may be living the same negative idea day after day and not really understanding what I am doing. Imagine that ultra fucked scenario? Sucks, doesn't it. I know my thoughts become things and actions. I need new actions. I have to turn this life situation into something bearable. Or something I dream to look at because right now...today...at this moment...I am frustrated. This...today...right now...this very fucking second is not life as I happily dreamed it. And if it is...what the fuck was I thinking...and better yet how fast can I think up some new shit? Have you ever just woke up and wanted to get up before the rest of the household, grab your Passport and head straight to France? No questions asked...please no post cards? That is the way I feel right now. Again I blame this God Awful City. It really is God Awful but really it's my attitude. I'm over it. I mean yeah a sexy encounter or a cool free Music Festival can soften the effects. But this city, like my current life circumstances is boring me to death.
I know the music is here to change it all and save us before it's too late. I imagine it waiting for me every morning...and it is. But so is this...the awfulness. It just makes me sick. Can making the music change this all? I sometimes feel like my Partner is poison. I feel bad even typing it but I feel like he is poison. Or some kind of sick dagger I'm slowly killing myself on. Like this city and my family slowing boring me to death. Can you see it? I'm a bleeding rotting corpse. I mean we all are. That's kind of the point really. But on certain days like this one I can really feel the flesh melting right off of the bone. I've been poisoned by love. And circumstance and too much of me getting with I want. But what do I really want? I want this. All of this looks a little bit like what I want but it's all wrong now, isn't it? Like some strange episode of The Twilight Zone. I want music, love, family, and a time to be silent. I have it all and it fucking disgust me. I want my Guru to change it all to make it bearable. And he has but he can't change this feeling. Because he lives it as well. We all do I guess. The longing for the magic. Not Alchemy...real magic. But the kind you only dream about. The kind that makes me appreciate the things I have surrounded myself with, instead of waiting to set the world on fire. I really do want to set my world on fire. I want to escape the relationships I have started, the things I have acquired...I want to escape my living dream.
I know so many people have it like twenty five times worse than me. But maybe they can take their circumstances and I just fucking can't. Plus there are people who have it way better than I do. There are people alive right now that would have gone on some kind of International Killing Spree if they had to live my life for like forty-eight hours. So what. It's sucks for me and that's all I know. Today...all of this bullshit is just for today. Tomorrow I will have forgiven myself for creating this life. I will find something to make me smile and well...a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down and all. For right now my partner is asleep and I want to bash his fucking brains in. For just existing. Can you imagine the madness? My Parents are awake and I could just burn this whole suburban apartment complex down to the ground. With all that it represents to me. Fucking suburban complicity. Basic ass day to day living. Los Angeles at it's fucking clean always tree lined best. I fucking hate it here. One top of all of this I need to figure out how to get out of this funk before I fuck my whole day off meaning a Pity Party. The shit is terrible but I got myself into this relationship and this neighborhood. I should be able to get myself out.
I can't even go on writing about this shit. I'm upset. I see all of the familiar things but they just aren't working for me right now. But you know what? Today I am going to play my Theremin and my Keyboard I'm going to let the music wash over me. I'm also going to start painting again this week. No matter what I am going to try to get a least on canvas done this month. I can't let the misery take all I have. The music and the art are going to save me from all of this. I guess that was the point of surrounding myself with the arts in the first place. Music and art is all I have. People can be poison. Hell I may be my own poison as far as I know. I'm the one who hates everything and everybody. Maybe I'm killing myself with negativity. I can't see it all very clear right now. All I do know is this. My Parents are annoying and only an idiot lives with their parents at my age anyway. I really need to get myself properly organized to move into my own place. Before I become a suburban mummy. My boyfriend is the most annoying person I know about right now. Sometimes I look at him and I wonder if I have ruined my entire life with this one decision. What if we have ruined one another's lives? How God awful does that sound? Like we are drowning and we both can be saved if one of us had the balls to walk away. I don't know. Oh sorrow. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a terrible car crash I can't take my eyes off of.
Okay I'm going to stop now before I ruin my whole day. Fucking everything and all that their is...find me..and delivery me to the right place or feeling. Because today I am vibrating on a low energy frequency. Which may be the only thing stopping me from killing people.
This is Josalisa...in the most agitating RiOt I may have ever been in.
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